Mark of a Healthy Family: Principles

I. In reading a book, The Smart Parent, by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo, I came across a list called the marks of a healthy family. As I pondered each item, I realized that each was based on clear Biblical teaching. I hope this material will benefit those who are rearing children, those who will one day marry and have children, and wise grandparents who can testify to the validity of these principles.

II. The principle that we will study this morning is, “healthy families have a core of shared values which all members embrace and to which all members submit.” Values are principles considered precious, important, and desirable. In order to have peace, each family member must adhere to these values. For example, if the family values integrity but a family member is constantly cheating others, there will be conflict. Good values unite such as those shared by John and Abigail Adams, “We will prize industry and frugality in our family.”

III. The parents have the primary responsibility to teach their children values and discipline them when they do not comply with these principles. Ephesians 6:1-4 clearly explains this mark of a healthy family. Notice that the fathers have been singled out to plant godly principles in the hearts of their children.

IV. The first part of Paul’s admonition is, “fathers, provoke not your children to wrath.” Some translations read, “do not exasperate your children” and “do not make your children angry.” It is impossible that parents and children can live together and, in the parents leading their children, not to ever anger their children. Giving in to the child’s every desire so that he will not be angry is certainly not the meaning of this passage. Fathers must not provoke their children to wrath. Webster defines provoking as “to incite to anger,” and “to stir up purposefully, as in picking a fight.” In Colossians 3:21, Paul further explains it by saying, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” Fathers are to nurture their children’s faith, not discourage them.

V. In most homes—particularly in the Roman world—the father is the primary disciplinarian. The father tends to be harsher than the mother and Paul warns fathers of the effect it can have on their children’s faith. Homer Kent, in his commentary on Ephesians, said, “Unjust demands, unreasonable severity, and unremitting criticism produce bitterness instead of training. That is not to say that permissiveness is what Paul enjoins…Discipline implies training in proper conduct.” Many children have left the faith when they left the control of a tyrannical Christian father.

VI. Instead of trying to impress godly principles upon the children with a severe, iron hand, the father is to rear the children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Some translations read, “bring them up in the training (or discipline) and instruction of the Lord.” If we want to instill godly values in our family we must first model them in our lives. Fathers, if you want to show your children that Bible study is important, get your Bible class lesson and make sure your children have completed their lessons. Let them see you pray, serve others, comfort those who are weak, and defend the truth with dignity. If they see inconsistency in your life in worship and away from services, you will be successful in rearing hypocrites. They may forget your words but they will never forget your example. To train our children, we must first show them a good example.

VII. Fathers “bring their children up, ” not push them along. Strong spiritual fathers should bring their children to where they are. They bring them up in the discipline of the Lord. A discipline is a field of study or a set of rules that guide ones life. At some point in their college studies, students must decide what discipline they will pursue. When they choose a discipline, they study under teachers who themselves are trained in that discipline. Often in a field of study, one finds an outstanding teacher, author, or distinguished person in the field whom they admire and they become disciples of that person. We make disciples of our children pointing them to the Master Teacher to emulate and demonstrating obedience in our lives. We train them by guiding them in their decisions and, over time, giving them more responsibility for their souls.

VIII. Fathers also bring their children up in the instruction of the Lord. We must teach our children about God and His word. If we fail to instruct our children, we risk the same fate as Israel during the time of the Judges, Judges 2:10-12. These parents, as children, witnessed miracles in the wilderness, as adults miraculously crossed the Jordan River to enter the Promised Land, encircled Jericho and witnessed its destruction, and witnessed God’s power in giving them the Promised Land. If they failed to instruct their children in God’s way, we must be especially careful not to fail in our responsibility. We must be like Timothy’s mother and grandmother who implanted in him their pure faith.

IX. The Bible classes at church are a great opportunity to instill values from God’s word into tender minds. When we do not bring our children to Bible classes, we do them a great disservice. When we allow older children, who are expected to listen and remember in school, to sleep or occupy the worship time with worldly things, we endanger their souls. But the most important teaching—indeed the critical teaching—must take place at home. The mothers will certainly do much of the work but the Fathers must instill these practical values in their children and teach them how to apply them in daily living.

X. Before we leave this passage, let us soberly consider one thing. Not only do we have an instruction for the fathers to train their children in godly values, we also have the responsibility and accountability placed firmly on the father’s shoulders. Some fathers have unlawfully given this responsibility to their wives. Perhaps they do not think that God knew what He was talking about when He gave such a command. Perhaps they have given this responsibility to the wife because they have not fully embraced godly values. Some may just be lazy or uninterested fathers who will not step up to their responsibility. Those who fail in this responsibility must answer to God for their dereliction of duty. Father, if you have failed to lead, repent, ask God for forgiveness, and reclaim the leadership and teaching role that God has assigned to you.

XI. If we do not teach our children Christ-centered values, the world will teach them bad values. Noah Webster wisely stated, “Without religious and moral principles deeply impressed on the mind, and controlling the whole conduct, science and literature will not make men what the laws of God require them to be; and without both kinds of knowledge, citizens can not enjoy the blessings which they seek, and which a strict conformity to rules of duty will enable them to obtain.”

XII. As we teach our children values, we must emphasize the central nature that God’s kingdom must occupy in the family. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus taught, “Seek first God’s kingdom.” This principle will cause the family to make decisions that please God. There will be challenges to this principle. Family members or friends may desire that one miss worship to participate in some worldly activity or involve themselves in something that is questionable or wrong. If the family has committed itself to seeking God’s kingdom first, these will be easy to address for they will do the right thing, no matter the cost. A family that does not have God’s kingdom as a priority will sometimes make wise decisions and at other times make foolish judgments.

XIII. Joshua is the great example of one whose core family value was serving God. During his life, Joshua witnessed the fickle faith of Israel, and it disgusted him. After the conquest of Palestine, Joshua spoke to the people before dismissing them to their lands. He reminded them of their indecisive nature and the tendency to go back to idols. Yet Joshua could confidently tell the gathering that whether Israel was faithful or wicked, that he dedicated his house to God, Joshua 24:14-15. Fathers, dedicate your family to God and determine to lead them in God’s way. Confidently say, “We will serve the Lord” then let that principle rule your family.

XIV. The children must see God at the center of each parent’s life . Some claim to seek God first but are consumed with their own interests as seen by their expenditure of time and money. They may give lip service to dedication to the kingdom but find no time to do what God commands. The children see this and realize that “seek first God’s kingdom” is not a principle but a platitude.

XV. The values and principles shared by the family must be established on a solid foundation. At the conclusion of the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus challenged His audience to do build their lives on His doctrine. Luke 6:46-49 . Parents, whether you realize it or not, you are building a spiritual house right now. If your faith is shallow and wavering , it is like building on the sand. The winds and the waves will tear at the sandy foundation and the house will collapse having nothing solid to rest upon. Sadly, I have seen families fall apart when a terrible crisis came and they had no solid faith.

XVI. Wise parents dig through the ever-changing weak values of the world to the solid foundation of Christ Jesus. When great storms strike that family—as certainly they will—though the wind howls and the waves beat violently on them, that house will stand. It is humbling to see godly families that have encountered unusually great turmoil and loss that, though bearing the marks of the storm, still stand because they are firmly grounded on God’s will.

XVII. I am not a prophet but I can tell you, storms are brewing that will unleash their fury on your family; have you protected it? Some build tornado shelters, put houses on stilts in flood prone areas, install fire alarms, and board up their house in anticipation of a hurricane but leave their family vulnerable because they did not protect their spiritual house as diligently as they protected their earthly house.

XVIII. Parents center your family on godly principles. Stand for integrity and honesty in a world that has a casual attitude towards the truth. Stress contentment with ones possessions over materialism. Emphasize giving and service to others both by teaching and by example. Teach respect for authority and for one another. Teach self-discipline, self-control, and self-direction.

XIX. One mark of a healthy family is adherence to a core of shared values. Parents, center your values on God’s will, examine your lives to ensure compliance, and instill these values in your children.