Marks of a Healthy Family: Marital Trust

I. Introduction: Continuing the series of the Bible principles behind the marks of a healthy family, from the book, The Smart Parent, by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo. This is material that I hope will benefit those who are rearing children, those who will one day marry and have children, and wise grandparents who can testify to the validity of these principles

[!NOTE] Primary Scripture Reading: 1 Peter 3:1-96

II. Trust Defined

A. Webster: “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something”

B. Trust is the foundation for all marriage and parent child relations

C. If it is a solid foundation, the members of the family find safety and security within the home; “a soft place to fall.” If trust is crumbling or non-existent, the home will have no security and the members of the family will find no security in the world.

D. Trust in the marriage relationship is the bedrock of family security.

E. Children who live in chaotic homes where the parents do not trust one another and, when arguing, threaten to divorce, find no security in the family no matter how close they are to their parents. When children see their parents trust one another, it teaches them trust.

F. Healthy families are firmly established on trust

III. Marriage partners entrust their self-esteem to one another

A. Vulnerability

B. The marriage relationship is a vulnerable one for one is always exposing his or her weakness to the spouse. A spouse must realize his/her own shortcomings and be humble

C. Husbands must protect and nourish their wife’s esteem

D. 1 Peter 3:7 – Husbands must dwell with their wives in understanding

E. Typically, women are more fragile emotionally than men. It is neither a strength nor a weakness; it is simply a fact of life.

F. He should be sensitive to her appearance and self-doubt about it

G. The young girl in the Song of Solomon had poor self-esteem,

H. Song 1:5-6

I. Her husband boosted her esteem by telling her how he viewed her.

J. Song 1:1 – “fairest of women” Song 1:9-10 – A horse? He praised her to the beauty and majesty Song 4:1-5 – (all of 4 is complimentary/do not read) he compliments her appearance with more than “You look nice.” A husband who constantly picks at his wife’s appearance—her weight, clothes, makeup—is stabbing her in the heart. A husband who has such a lack of concern for his wife’s esteem and, by his comments, contributes to her self-conscious negative image is both mean and cruel. Husbands who compare their wives to their mothers or other women have forgotten that she is a special unique creation that has put her trust in her husband; they forgot to “dwell with understanding.”1 Corinthians 13:4-5: “Love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely; does not seek its own.”

K. Wives must protect and nourish their husband’s esteem

L. Typically, men are show less emotion outwardly than women. When we are hurt, we often retreat into ourselves instead of crying and lashing out; it is not right or wrong, it is simply a fact of life. Sometimes we men act tough because we take seriously our job of providing for and protecting the family; yet we are also vulnerable to the judgments of our peers and our families. A husband needs to feel that his family appreciates the many difficulties he faces in the work world to provide for them. In the Song of Solomon, the young girl not only received compliments she complimented her husband, Song 5:10-16 (summarize).The wife must remember to care for their husband’s view of himself and his place in the world and remind him of his worth to the family.

M. Occasionally, husbands and wives must say difficult things to one another, but we can do so in a kind and loving way.

N. A rebuke said in a loving and humble way—not constant nitpicking or talking down—should be received well. Proverbs 25:11-12: “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold In settings of silver. Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold Is a wise rebuker to an obedient ear.” Holly Wagner, in the book Dumb Things He Does, wrote, “Ask young couples whether there’s anything about their spouses they would change, and most will respond with a loud yes! However, I’ve asked couples married 40 years or more what changes they’d make in their spouses, and they can’t think of one. What happened? I believe they learned to be truly glad about the differences.” Philippians 2:3-4 is important for husbands and wives to remember

IV. Loyalty

A. Since marriage is the primary relationship, one must defend his or her spouse from attacks from the outside

B. The husband or wife may share concerns that others have with their spouse in the privacy of their home, but should stand up for one another publicly. It is sad to see a husband or wife scold, degrade, or insult their spouse in public; it shows a lack of respect for oneself and one’s spouse.

C. Be intimate only with your spouse

D. Physical intimacy

E. Everyone can see that adultery is the ultimate abuse to trust in the marriage relationship. We commit ourselves to our spouse in marriage saying, “Forsaking all others, I take you to be my husband/wife.” Like the man who found the pearl of great price and sold all that he had to possess it; husbands and wives, seeing the value of the one they love, give all to be with them for life. Proverbs 6:32: “Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding; He who does so destroys his own soul.” Hebrews 13:4-6: Do not defile the marriage bed and do not be covetous, desiring another besides your spouse

F. Husbands and wives need to trust that when work or obligations separate them, either for the day or for many days, that their spouse will be true to them and the covenant made before God.

G. Husbands and wives who cannot trust one another cannot dwell in peace and security; there is always doubt and jealousy in its place. Never give your spouse an occasion to suspect your loyalty and fidelity: do not flirt and do not put yourself in bad situations.

H. Emotional intimacy

I. A person may be physically loyal to their spouse but emotionally unfaithful. This is no different from adultery in God’s judgment, Matthew 5:28. Marriages have been seriously fractured or destroyed because one (or both) of the spouses were emotionally intimate with a person at work or a faceless stranger in an Internet chat room and had withdrawn from emotional intimacy with their spouse. These spouses poured their hearts, emotions, feelings, dreams, fears, and thoughts out to someone over a computer when in the same house—perhaps in the same room—was the person to whom they pledged such a relationship before God. It is good and healthy to have friends outside of the marriage, but your best friend should be your spouse. Be physically and emotionally chaste

J. Not sharing secrets with others

K. The marriage relationship is one in which a person should be able to confide their fears, dreams, and most intimate thoughts in the other knowing that the deepest secrets will be treasured and protected. Many unthinking spouses have damaged their marriage relationship by bringing these intimacies up in an argument and using them as a weapon. It is not proper for a spouse to break the confidence by sharing the secret with another person, whether that person is a best friend or family member. The worst violator is the one who would joke about the secret before others, publicly humiliating their spouse. Proverbs 11:13: “A talebearer reveals secrets, But he who is of a faithful spirit conceals a matter.”

V. Conclusion: When a couple gets married, they entrust one another with themselves and become vulnerable to the spouse. Let us seek to preserve that trust so that it will be the foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. Never forget 1 Peter 3:7 – heirs together