Marks of a Healthy Family: Parent and Child Trust

I. Introduction: Continuing the series of the Bible principles behind the marks of a healthy family, from the book, The Smart Parent, by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo. This is material that I hope will benefit those who are rearing children, those who will one day marry and have children, and wise grandparents who can testify to the validity of these principles

II. Trust defined

A. Webster: “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something”

B. Trust is the foundation for all marriage and parent child relations

C. If it is a solid foundation, the members of the family find safety and security within the home; “a soft place to fall.” If trust is crumbling or non-existent, the home will have no security and the members of the family will find no security in the world.

D. Healthy families are firmly established on trust

III. The child’s trust in the parents

A. The child must trust in the leadership of the parents

B. It is divinely ordained, Ephesians 6:1

C. A good parent will establish their rules on Bible principles

D. Proverbs 3:1-8 Good rules will protect you and give you happiness

E. One who constantly kicks against the rules has failed to realize that their parents want what is best for them.

F. Some struggle when their desires conflict with the parent’s decision. Yet an obedient child submits his will to the parents and trusts in their love and good intentions.

G. A good parent will teach the child godly living

H. Proverbs 4:20-27 The child must see this embodied in the life of the parent or the lesson will be useless.

I. Proverbs 22:3-6

J. Your child will choose a path of life one day Since the parent is the most influential, lessons in godliness backed up by virtuous living will most likely yield a godly child

K. The child must trust in the parent’s love and care

L. The love shared between parent and child should be unconditional

M. Parents who only show affection to their children when they perform well in school or sports will cause a child to fear the loss of love if they fail. The parent must love the child for who they are, not what they do.

N. Parental trust is critical for the security and stability of the child

O. A child who finds in his home a safe haven will build a stable life on a strong foundation.

P. Abuse destroys the trust and security of the relationship

Q. It is not surprising that in homes where physical, emotional, or sexual abuse are present, the child feels alienated, fearful, and insecure Abuse turns what should be a shelter—a safe haven—into a place of terror and fear. Abuse destroys the trust for the parent who should have protected them, violated them.

R. Matthew 18:1-11

S. The abuser should fear our Lord whose wrath burns hot against such a person He said that it is better for that person to be destroyed than to abuse one of these little ones. He said that one should take drastic measures to ensure that he will not offend the child—his action will his soul and the child’s soul in jeopardy. I fear for those who must face God in judgment knowing that their abuse, and the resulting psychological destruction it wrought, could cause the child to be lost.

T. Parental love should be manifest in punishment, Hebrews 12:3-11

U. Discipline is a sign of love, not hatred.

V. The goal is to bring repentance and obedience, ultimately to God.2 Corinthians 7:8-11 – The sorrow produced a change Physical abuse gives the child a confused and warped sense of love. Parents must remind their children of their love before and after punishment and be fair in their discipline. We see this in church discipline when, upon repentance, one reaffirms his love to the transgressor, 2 Corinthians 2:6-8

W. The child should be able to tell bad or devastating news without worrying about the parents overreacting

X. 1 John 4:18 – Perfect love casts out fear1 Corinthians 13 – “love is not boastful, it does not behave rudely, and it bears all things.”

Y. At some point, the child may have to confess some sin with grave consequences to the parent.

Z. A foolish parent will overreact

A. The self-centered parent will make the issue more about them, their failure as a parent or their embarrassment as a result of the child’s behavior. The unforgiving parent will become an enemy of the child and do little to help the child find a solution, or at least deal with, the problem. They may even banish a repentant and contrite child from their presence. The cowardly parent will never face the issue but will withdraw, alienating the child who needs them at this critical time. Though the parent should not “rejoice in iniquity” nor encourage any wrongdoing, he should also help the child seek repentance, accept the consequences, and seek God’s help.

IV. Parents must trust their children to do what is right

A. Healthy families swap family rules for family courtesies as the child matures

B. If the parents have trained their children properly, the child will begin to make godly decisions on their own.

C. A child taught to pray before a meal will find it hard to begin a meal without praying. A child who, through instruction and example, learns the right thing to do will often choose it as the better way to live.

D. We must teach more than obedience

E. We must instill faith in our children so they will be self-motivated to obey God and seek to please Him. We must help them develop self-respect, strong self-esteem, confidence to do right despite the consequences.1 Thessalonians 2:10-12 We must not only teach their hands, but their hearts as well. Just as God has entrusted us with our own souls, we must realize that our children must eventually take total control of their lives.

F. Teens in healthy families are confident of their parents’ ability to trust them.

G. Do not live under a cloud of suspicion if no reason for suspicion has ever been given.

H. Some teens will commit wrongdoing if their parents are so convinced that they are doing wrong—meet their parent’s expectations. Parents who expect and express confidence in their teen’s ability to choose what is right give their children no reason to disappoint them or violate their trust—most want to live up to high reasonable expectations.1 Corinthians 13: “Love thinks no evil…believes all things, hopes all things.” If we have trained our children properly, they will be more likely to make good decision. This confidence does not mean that there will not be concern or worry for the child, that sprouts from the deepest parental love, but there is comfort in knowing that the child has been taught and shown to choose what is right. Teens should live so that the confidence in them is well placed and secure—respect each privilege as a greater responsibility to do what is right.

V. Conclusion: Trust is essential for family happiness. The husband, wife, parents, and children must live in trust with one another. This means that each lives honest and proper lives so that they do not destroy trust. Families who live without trust live with suspicion, envy, ill feeling, and conflict. Do not let lack of trust characterize your family life but let well placed trust exist, with the peace and harmony that grows from it.