The Wife of Your Youth

I. Text: Malachi 2:13-17

II. Problem of divorce

A. The divorce rate in our country is staggering.

B. Experts estimate that one out of every three to four marriages will end in divorce. Many who divorce have been married and divorced before. Perhaps when one goes through the unpleasant task once, it is easier to do it again.

C. The prophet Malachi said God hates divorce, Malachi 2:16.

D. Of course, Jesus allowed that if one’s spouse committed adultery, he or she could put the unfaithful spouse away (Matthew 19:9).However, most of the divorces in our country are for incompatibility or other less severe reasons. The many divorces are ripping the fabric of our society, causing great stress for children, and is even a problem in the church.

III. Malachi’s rebuke

A. Before he stated God’s view of divorce, Malachi rebuked the people of God because they dealt treacherously with the wives of their youth.

B. They had been united by God in a special bond, “yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant,” Malachi 2:14

C. God united them in marriage into a “one flesh” relationship, Genesis 2:24.

D. Far beyond the physical relationship, God has united these beings into a single being that transcends their individual personalities. God is one but has three distinct personalities—the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit. It is this relationship that is described when one “loses himself/herself” in another.

E. How can one deal treacherously with their spouse?

F. On a daily basis, couples are destroying that special relationship and, in doing so, are destroying themselves. Husbands and wives treat one another with contempt and will plot and scheme against the other. People who could not wait to gaze into their lover’s eyes and could talk on the phone for hours avoid each other’s gaze and cannot find a thing to say. As in Malachi’s day, they abandon the wife of their youth and seek companionship with another.

IV. Have they fallen out of love?

A. When couples “fall in love,” it is really little more than infatuation, “puppy love” we might say.

B. During this time, we are learning about the object of our love, spending enormous amounts of time with one another, and feeling that we have found the one person who enhances the quality of our life. A couple enraptured by love will feel the urge to make a permanent relationship built on love and will get married. For a time the feelings continue strong and may grow but eventually, as with any feeling, it subsides. This realization is often a shock to many couples. They settle down to “real” life and may say, “The honeymoon is over.”

C. Infatuation, like grief, is a strong feeling that can overpower a person, but never becomes a permanent feeling—no feeling is permanent.

D. Careless and immature couples who feel the passing of strong emotion will often grow resentful to one another.

E. “You weren’t the person that I married,” is often the cry.

F. The plaintiff often ignored the evidence while “in love.”

G. The quirky laugh that was cute when dating is downright annoying after a few years of marriage. The young wife says, “He works hard and since he loves the outdoors it is good for him to get away and go fishing to take off some of the stress” becomes “why are you going to play out in the woods again, we’ve got things to do around the house.” The young husband who bragged, “My wife dresses so well” becomes “Why are you going to the mall again? You have a closet full of clothes you don’t wear!”

H. It is not that we have made a poor choice in our marriage partner or that we were not ready to be married. Our relationship changed and so we must change with it.

I. In the Hollywood movies and the Disney fairy tales the movie ends when the prince and princess drive off to the castle.

J. No one wants to watch Cinderella and Prince Charming at dinner one night talking about the things around the castle that must be fixed, the children that aren’t behaving, and the bills that must be paid. No one wants to hear Cinderella say, “You have been spending too much time managing the kingdom lately and not enough time with me,” or Prince Charming say, “Why are you riding my back, I provide a good roof over your head, plenty of luxuries; I’m a good provider.” We have to remember that fairy tales are great stories but they are not reality. We can live “happily ever after” but we have to have a realistic definition of “happily.”

K. Couples do not “fall out of love” they simply become confused about real love; they confused the feeling, which comes and goes, with real love that exists on a plane much deeper than emotion.

L. Sadly, many in our culture chase spouse after spouse looking for that emotional feeling. When the honeymoon is over, they convince themselves that they made a wrong choice, which something was missing in this “candidate” but that they will eventually find that feeling in someone else. We are familiar with the saying, “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.”

M. Some people are always looking for the perfect spouse when they have grown disenchanted with theirs.

N. Hebrews 13:4-5: I don’t think it is a coincidence that the thought of covetousness follows the purity of marriage. Some people will have affairs or leave their spouse because they are covetous; they think they will find happiness in another that is lacking in their marriage. They are fooling themselves.

O. When we find the depth of love described in the Bible, we will realize that we will find it in our spouse, no matter how imperfect they, or we, are.

P. Book title, “Love is a Decision.” Love can be commanded: Ephesians 6:25. Love can be taught: Titus 2:4

Q. Love has fruit that can be measured and defined, 1 Cor 13:4-8

R. Notice Paul never says, “Love is a warm puppy” or other such touchy-feely descriptions popular in our culture. Paul doesn’t say anything about the “feeling” of love.

S. An important part of Paul’s description is that love depends a whole lot on me, not much on the object of my affection.

T. Paul’s definition defines my actions and attitude. This type of love is deeper and more meaningful than the “puppy” love so many people seek. This love never fails; emotions will fail again and again.

V. Another problem leading to divorce is our “throwaway” culture.

A. We will drive a car for a few years until it starts developing some clicks and clangs, and loses that new car smell, and gets some scratches, then we trade it in for a new one.

B. There is nothing at all wrong with getting a new car. Our problem is that we think we will be happy with that new car. Soon we are bored with it and think we will be happy with a newer model.

C. We do the same thing with houses, appliances, furniture, etc.

D. We think if we throw away what we have, the new thing will make us happy, and once we have it, we will be content.

E. Our happiness must not depend on external factors (possessions, boss’ attitude, etc); it must come from within and from contentment with God.

F. Sadly, some people approach families like cars.

G. They think that the relationship with their spouse and children is not what they thought it would be or should be. They abandon their family and go get a new one. Eventually, since they have no firm foundation, they will get dissatisfied and begin the search again.

H. George Washington wrote his granddaughter Eliza regarding marriage, “There is no truth more certain that that all our enjoyments fall short of our expectations.”

VI. Another problem is selfishness

A. Some people are more concerned about what they are “supposed” to get out of marriage than what they should be giving.

B. Like Bernie says, “Marriage is supposed to be a 100%/100% relationship. But sometimes it is 60/40 or 90/10 or 100/0.”

C. True love focuses on giving more than receiving.

D. If our spouse is a taker, we must try to teach them to be a giver. But we must not cease giving because they are not giving.

E. Often the person that must be changed in our marriage is ourselves. When we become more content, more godly, and focus on the things that are really important, we find that we get along much better with our spouse and children.

F. Some want the recognition of the world to feed their egos, more than the satisfaction of a good home relationship.

G. If you want to make everyone at work jealous or envious of you, don’t get a new sports car, beach house, or promotion; talk about the rich satisfying family life you have, most want it badly but don’t have it. By its nature, family life demands that we subordinate our comfort, needs, desires, time, money, and ambition to the needs of the family.

H. In the Christian life, Jesus says that if we seek our lives we will lose it, but if we lose our lives we will find it.

I. We gain more meaning and understanding about life when we quit riding the wave with the rest of humanity, collecting shiny trinkets, and building a name among men and instead seek the true essence of life found in Jesus’ way. We will find more satisfaction in marriage we quit seeking what we can get out of the relationship and focus on what we can invest in the relationship. If we lose ourselves for our marriage and family sake, we will find ourselves.

VII. Solution

A. Ecclesiastes 9:9 – Dwell joyfully with the wife of your youth

B. Again, joy is not the giddy emotional feeling. This is a depth of satisfaction and peace derived from the marriage.

C. Seek to satisfy one another’s needs

D. Song of Solomon and 1 Corinthians 7 address the mutual physical responsibilities and service spouses give to one another. Ephesians 4:1-3 – Serving one another Take passages related to mutual Christian relationship and apply it to the marriage relationship (ie., Eph 4:25f)

E. Talk with one another, really talk.

F. Forgive one another and yourself

G. For not being all they could be as a spouse Remember, we are all growing